Evolution of a bath

I just can't stand how big he is getting. Since we moved it seems as though my little world has stood still but that life is swooshing by outside. Looking at theses pictures and watching him grow so fast makes me realize I need to again start swooshing with life and stop watching it pass by.

Home Running Back To Me (Carly's Song)

Waiting for another

I am in full hormonal turmoil, rage which quickly turns to tears and then laughing in mere minutes. This has been a tough two plus years on me mentally and physically and as Mike put it so eloquently the other night, he is suffering  right there with me. (Hardly I scoffed as I glared at him and he realized he had just made a mistake by actually speaking those words aloud.) These are some of the roller-coaster emotions I have had since trying to conceive a second child. Matthew came so easily for us I had never imagined I would be nearing the 2 year mark of actually 'trying' and still no baby. I am in yet another round of fertility hormones to try and help the process along but all it seems to do is make me bloated, angry and in the end more depressed when the  negative test appears. Which leads to more tears and Mike finding something in the garage to work on cause after thirteen years together he still has no clue what to do when I cry. Since I am loaded on the hormones I have the feeling every month that YES I am pregnant, I get the symptoms, the soreness, the dizziness, the crankiness, the tiredness the, well you know. So every month I get my hopes up again and for months I have been let down. After we moved to South Carolina and I wasn't working for a few weeks I was feeling horrible, tired all the time- lethargic really, brain fog, I was extremely hot or cold at the wrong times, just knew something wasn't right. So after pushing and prodding from my mother who insists that the entire pregnancy issue is stemming from an off kilter thyroid I went to the doctor. You know what she told me, that I was allergic to something, but she couldn't tell me what. And that it sounds like I should go on the pill to regulate my hormones. UM HELLO- I am trying to get pregnant! What a waste of time and money and again, time! I hate more than anything wasting my time.( A side rant, it infuriates me when people are late. I mean occasionally yes everyone runs late but a constant battle of being late is just plain rude and shows zero respect for the other party.) So back to the drawing board, yes both Mike and I have been poked and prodded and we are both healthy and all our parts work which is somewhat more upsetting that they can't explain Why we aren't conceiving. I would like to just know if we aren't going to have any more naturally, via- as my friend Kelly puts it- a mini human renting out my uterus. Cause if that is the case bring on the tummy tuck and let the Real spoiling of Matthew commence.

And it doesn't fail that everyone around me is pregnant. It goes in spurts but there are a handful of preggos surrounding at all times. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am helping to plan a baby shower for one of my closest friends. It makes me extremely happy to do so but there is also a tinge of not jealousy per say but almost pain that I might not ever have those moments of pregnancy again that she is currently experiencing. I am over the moon for her and other friends that are pregnant but as one wise person said its hard to be happy. Its hard to watch others have what you desire so badly. I am not sure where or fertility journey will lead us. I want a big family, Mike and I talked about 4 kids. Matthew has been such a blessing and an angel of a child and I can't imagine that he will be the only one I get to watch grow. He is getting so big so fast and I feel like I am missing special moments because I am caught up in the emotions of struggling for the second. A big catch 22. Everyone tells me to just let go and don't try so hard but for you women out there who have had your own struggles with pregnancy understand that it is just no so simple.

The notion of adoption has been brought up and I suppose that could be an option. At this moment I don't know if I am a strong enough person to go through that journey. I don't know how to make that transition and to blend a family like that yet. I have seen the struggles of adoption and the search for birth parents riddle my father for years with pain and anguish. I don't know if I want to put a child through that, how do you answer those questions, what if the birth parent decides to back out, I am not good with rejection.

So there it is, all out in the public now. Maybe airing it out will bring me some better ju ju. Clear the mind for better things.

Billy Joel Last Play At Shea

The second thing you need to know about me other than I am obsessed with photography, a neat freak and could kiss my son all day long is that I am over the moon about Billy Joel. I don't mean that I am a meager fan, I am talking stalker love here. I think it all started because my brother is 8, yes eight, years older then me and since I followed every move he made through his adolescence I obviously listened to the music he did as well. Good thing his taste was things like the Beatles, Michael Jackson ( the days of Thriller and billy Jean) and Billy Joel. He had tons of cassette tapes and one bad ass record player. I think my real love started for him when I watched the video tape of Live in Leningrad USSR concert, it showed him with his family and behind the scenes of the concert, it showed Billy going berserk for lighting the audience and dancing like a wild man on top of his piano.   Anyhow as far back as I can recall I have loved Billy Joel. I have seen him in concert numerous times, twice during the same tour, it was his first farewell concert and I wanted to soak up as much live billy as I could so I dragged my non interested friends to Gainesville to see him and then 2 weeks later took my then boyfriend (now husband) to the Tampa show. I think I cried both times when I heard the first rumblings of Angry Young Man on the ivories as the light shined and he appeared on the stage. Dorky you say, I think not. So Mike now knows lots of lyrics by default and if someone mentions billy Joel he turns to me to make sure the details are accurate. I did not appreciate the Saturday Night Live skit about his drinking issues and yet I adored Howard Stern for the recent interview on Sirius XM ( if you didn't hear it you can find it on YouTube- well worth the hour). And yes I am a member of his fan club, Facebook friend and insiders emails.

I once took my mom to see him in Tampa where I was finally able to get floor seats and get close enough to see up close and personal and some brunette in the front row went up and kissed him! How dare she I thought- it should be  me! turns out it was his soon to be bride current ex wife number 3 , Katie Lee. My heart was broken for about five seconds, and then he started to play Vienna,  I had never heard him play it live in concert before and it is one of my all time favorite songs of his. He was forgiven by the girl in the 12th row. 

The reason for the post is that Billy was the last person to play at legendary Shea stadium. The place where the Beatles made girls swoon in 1965 and the Mets started to play in 1962 was tore down in 2009. Billy knowing that this iconic place held so much magic created an epic line up of fellow musicians and rocked the house one final time. I am so ashamed of myself and best friend Lee for not getting our act together and seeing, this in my mind, historic event. The concert was filmed and is being released today with another bigger release in another week. I cannot wait to at least watch it and pretend I was there.  Billy's songs are my go to albums- there is a great song for no matter what mood you are in.

Last Play At Shea

Middle Name Drama

Just curious why people in the south go by their middle name? If your parents wanted to name you something other than your first name why didn't they? Or if you go by your middle name by choice... why? I went to Sams Club the other day to get a new membership and they asked Mike if he went by Michael or Chismiddlename. And when she entered my information in she automatically assumed that my middle name was my first name without even asking. Whats up with this South Carolina?

my minds a swirlin

Its a real good thing I am already married. I have way too many ideas pouring through me right now and if I had a wedding to plan I would be broke; crazy and broke. Did you know that aloe plants and all sorts of succulents are all the rage in wedding decor and bouquet florals? Its strange and unique and I sorta love it.

 I am however planning a baby shower and am swooning with ideas, craft projects, colors, pretty little 'ahhh' things. Who knew there were so many DIY'ers out there with there own blogs just waiting for me to look at them and attempt to recreate their magic? Let me tell you that last week my color was turquoise, still is really, love it in my house, but my new color is tangerine. Don't worry though Julie your shower is not tangerine colored. It is all over the place sister! I kid, sort of.

Since Ashley will be the next to get married, she better watch out cause I have an arsenal of ideas just waiting for her to announce that he put a ring on it. And if she leaves my ideas blowing in the wind then Mike will have to suffer and we will have to renew our vows  at our 10 year anniversary so I can wear another pretty dress and do a completely opposite version of our first wedding. Complete with child in tow and just a handful of people there to share in the candlelight and mountainesque views. I've already given away too much, should I book the venue now?