Friday, February 18, 2011

Ch ch ch changes

Mr friend who shall remain nameless but is my best guy friend  and has three letters in his name starts with an L ends in an E, asked me to write about how life changes and evolves and creates the person you are to become. He recently went through a major life change and decided to call off a wedding. Now from the outside some of you who know this person might think "well duh that sounds just like him"  but alternately this was a wise choice that took a lot of deep thought on his part. Perhaps at the time it didn't seem that way on the outside but it really changed him as a person. He was asking introspective questions like how do you stay faithful to someone for you whole life? He was scared because there is the notion out there that marriage is hard and takes a lot of work and he didn't think it should be and did not want to go into a union with not doubts per say but questions about what a marriage should be. He, as a lot of our generation has, has divorced parents. Which makes it hard to see marriage as a real lifelong partnership. I mean when you grow up seeing fighting and tears and spending summers with one parent and school days with another, its difficult to understand how to make a marriage last. Is This the fight that is going to end the relationship or am I acting as someone that she/he wants me to be so that we stay together? These are all valid concerns that shape us and who we will become. Anyhow this realization that he wasn't being true to himself and ultimately her lead him to the decision to call of the wedding before there was time for more hurt to occur. I applaud him. He is making life changes, better decisions and concerned about the future instead of just pushing all thise issues to a dark place.

Now on the flip side, Yes marriage is hard. I have spoke to this before- That if you want the fancy dress and the big party then just have one, I'll come and dance the night away with you but if you want a marriage, make sure you are in for the long haul. I think I am about to quote Will Smith, don't hold it against me, but he says that Divorce is not an option, and I believe that if you go into marriage with that idea, that the petty light quarrels that are bound to come up are not going to end the relationship, you will feel safe and secure in you marriage and be able to be yourself and even if you don't have the same views on big ticket items like politics, religion or even  smaller things like music its not going to be the end all because you are grown up enough to see that you still love that person for who they are inside, not their ever changing opinions on the world. We all change as we get older and have more life experiences,  I met Mike at 16 and believe me, we have both grown and changed as people but its the soul that doesn't change. We are both smarter, wiser, parents, gone through deaths of close friends and family and seen other marriages dissolve but that doesn't break us, it molds us and makes us want to work harder and understand each other to continue on as good role models for our son and even perhaps other relationships. His soul is what keeps me having those warm fuzzies. When I hear him talking to Matthew as he tucks him in at night or when he discusses our financial future and I feel safe not that fact that he is now a hard core conservative with no problem  voicing his opinion to anyone that's within earshot and hacks a minimum of three times while brushing his teeth. :)

I have changed so much in my thought of an ideal lifestyle. When I was a teenager I was certain that I was Manhattan bound. Took a trip to look at apartments, loved everything NYC inspired, right down to the urban minimal decor design and was going to be the next real life Carrie Bradshaw for lack of a better example. That was 15 years ago. I have now moved from a fairly normal city feel in Clearwater, to the lowest point Titusville where time has stood still since the Apollo era, to a new mixture of city and country here in South Carolina and I have twinge of desire to go further into the rural. I'm not talking outhouse and candle light, I'm talking larger piece of property with animals, livestock, not house pets. Chickens, cows perhaps a goat?  With a fence that only keeps large animals in, and wildflowers and cowpies so my mom can relive her youth and squish her feet in them. I want to spend my time with Matthew and build a strong belief system within our home. I want to wear aprons and know what tarragon would taste good in. My style has changed from sleek modern decor to traditional and antiques out of nowhere.  I no longer long for partying at the Tunnel and keeping up with the Kardashians and taking shots like there is no tomorrow. (although if money were not an issue I would own a loft space because they are just so unique and would be a blast to decorate) It has been 6 months without cable and I have survived!

So what I am saying is change is good. You have to go with the flow. Let go of grudges and open up to the reason behind the change. Who knows what is in store for us but if you smile and accept it only good things can happen.
Just to show how much can change in 6 years.  My sweet niece, flower girl, Carly passed last year and our groomsman, Mikes best friend and all around sweet guy Matt passed nearly 5 years ago. We were lucky to have them both there to celebrate our new life together and miss them both every day.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Inspiring Ideas

Hello is this not the most gorgeous table setting- setting?

Yes please, I require cute cupcakes in cute wrappers on a cute cake plate

Okay, I want to have this photo, it is blissful.

This is just a happy centerpiece and beautifully photographed

Can you imagine having this as your wedding ceremony backdrop--- just in awe

This seems like such an intimate way to start a life together, just adore the surroundings

This is for my mom, to see my vision, the chevron stripes not necessarily but the idea of it yes

So many great wedding, or any kind of function, sweets table with a unique color scheme that pops!

And this is my dream kitchen I must have that backsplash and all the surface space, and maybe a piece of that bread too.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Evolution of a bath

I just can't stand how big he is getting. Since we moved it seems as though my little world has stood still but that life is swooshing by outside. Looking at theses pictures and watching him grow so fast makes me realize I need to again start swooshing with life and stop watching it pass by.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Waiting for another

I am in full hormonal turmoil, rage which quickly turns to tears and then laughing in mere minutes. This has been a tough two plus years on me mentally and physically and as Mike put it so eloquently the other night, he is suffering  right there with me. (Hardly I scoffed as I glared at him and he realized he had just made a mistake by actually speaking those words aloud.) These are some of the roller-coaster emotions I have had since trying to conceive a second child. Matthew came so easily for us I had never imagined I would be nearing the 2 year mark of actually 'trying' and still no baby. I am in yet another round of fertility hormones to try and help the process along but all it seems to do is make me bloated, angry and in the end more depressed when the  negative test appears. Which leads to more tears and Mike finding something in the garage to work on cause after thirteen years together he still has no clue what to do when I cry. Since I am loaded on the hormones I have the feeling every month that YES I am pregnant, I get the symptoms, the soreness, the dizziness, the crankiness, the tiredness the, well you know. So every month I get my hopes up again and for months I have been let down. After we moved to South Carolina and I wasn't working for a few weeks I was feeling horrible, tired all the time- lethargic really, brain fog, I was extremely hot or cold at the wrong times, just knew something wasn't right. So after pushing and prodding from my mother who insists that the entire pregnancy issue is stemming from an off kilter thyroid I went to the doctor. You know what she told me, that I was allergic to something, but she couldn't tell me what. And that it sounds like I should go on the pill to regulate my hormones. UM HELLO- I am trying to get pregnant! What a waste of time and money and again, time! I hate more than anything wasting my time.( A side rant, it infuriates me when people are late. I mean occasionally yes everyone runs late but a constant battle of being late is just plain rude and shows zero respect for the other party.) So back to the drawing board, yes both Mike and I have been poked and prodded and we are both healthy and all our parts work which is somewhat more upsetting that they can't explain Why we aren't conceiving. I would like to just know if we aren't going to have any more naturally, via- as my friend Kelly puts it- a mini human renting out my uterus. Cause if that is the case bring on the tummy tuck and let the Real spoiling of Matthew commence.

And it doesn't fail that everyone around me is pregnant. It goes in spurts but there are a handful of preggos surrounding at all times. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am helping to plan a baby shower for one of my closest friends. It makes me extremely happy to do so but there is also a tinge of not jealousy per say but almost pain that I might not ever have those moments of pregnancy again that she is currently experiencing. I am over the moon for her and other friends that are pregnant but as one wise person said its hard to be happy. Its hard to watch others have what you desire so badly. I am not sure where or fertility journey will lead us. I want a big family, Mike and I talked about 4 kids. Matthew has been such a blessing and an angel of a child and I can't imagine that he will be the only one I get to watch grow. He is getting so big so fast and I feel like I am missing special moments because I am caught up in the emotions of struggling for the second. A big catch 22. Everyone tells me to just let go and don't try so hard but for you women out there who have had your own struggles with pregnancy understand that it is just no so simple.

The notion of adoption has been brought up and I suppose that could be an option. At this moment I don't know if I am a strong enough person to go through that journey. I don't know how to make that transition and to blend a family like that yet. I have seen the struggles of adoption and the search for birth parents riddle my father for years with pain and anguish. I don't know if I want to put a child through that, how do you answer those questions, what if the birth parent decides to back out, I am not good with rejection.

So there it is, all out in the public now. Maybe airing it out will bring me some better ju ju. Clear the mind for better things.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Billy Joel Last Play At Shea

The second thing you need to know about me other than I am obsessed with photography, a neat freak and could kiss my son all day long is that I am over the moon about Billy Joel. I don't mean that I am a meager fan, I am talking stalker love here. I think it all started because my brother is 8, yes eight, years older then me and since I followed every move he made through his adolescence I obviously listened to the music he did as well. Good thing his taste was things like the Beatles, Michael Jackson ( the days of Thriller and billy Jean) and Billy Joel. He had tons of cassette tapes and one bad ass record player. I think my real love started for him when I watched the video tape of Live in Leningrad USSR concert, it showed him with his family and behind the scenes of the concert, it showed Billy going berserk for lighting the audience and dancing like a wild man on top of his piano.   Anyhow as far back as I can recall I have loved Billy Joel. I have seen him in concert numerous times, twice during the same tour, it was his first farewell concert and I wanted to soak up as much live billy as I could so I dragged my non interested friends to Gainesville to see him and then 2 weeks later took my then boyfriend (now husband) to the Tampa show. I think I cried both times when I heard the first rumblings of Angry Young Man on the ivories as the light shined and he appeared on the stage. Dorky you say, I think not. So Mike now knows lots of lyrics by default and if someone mentions billy Joel he turns to me to make sure the details are accurate. I did not appreciate the Saturday Night Live skit about his drinking issues and yet I adored Howard Stern for the recent interview on Sirius XM ( if you didn't hear it you can find it on YouTube- well worth the hour). And yes I am a member of his fan club, Facebook friend and insiders emails.

I once took my mom to see him in Tampa where I was finally able to get floor seats and get close enough to see up close and personal and some brunette in the front row went up and kissed him! How dare she I thought- it should be  me! turns out it was his soon to be bride current ex wife number 3 , Katie Lee. My heart was broken for about five seconds, and then he started to play
Vienna,  I had never heard him play it live in concert before and it is one of my all time favorite songs of his. He was forgiven by the girl in the 12th row. 

The reason for the post is that Billy was the last person to play at legendary Shea stadium. The place where the Beatles made girls swoon in 1965 and the Mets started to play in 1962 was tore down in 2009. Billy knowing that this iconic place held so much magic created an epic line up of fellow musicians and rocked the house one final time. I am so ashamed of myself and best friend Lee for not getting our act together and seeing, this in my mind, historic event. The concert was filmed and is being released today with another bigger release in another week. I cannot wait to at least watch it and pretend I was there.  Billy's songs are my go to albums- there is a great song for no matter what mood you are in.

Last Play At Shea

Monday, February 7, 2011

Middle Name Drama

Just curious why people in the south go by their middle name? If your parents wanted to name you something other than your first name why didn't they? Or if you go by your middle name by choice... why? I went to Sams Club the other day to get a new membership and they asked Mike if he went by Michael or Chismiddlename. And when she entered my information in she automatically assumed that my middle name was my first name without even asking. Whats up with this South Carolina?

Friday, February 4, 2011

my minds a swirlin

Its a real good thing I am already married. I have way too many ideas pouring through me right now and if I had a wedding to plan I would be broke; crazy and broke. Did you know that aloe plants and all sorts of succulents are all the rage in wedding decor and bouquet florals? Its strange and unique and I sorta love it.

 I am however planning a baby shower and am swooning with ideas, craft projects, colors, pretty little 'ahhh' things. Who knew there were so many DIY'ers out there with there own blogs just waiting for me to look at them and attempt to recreate their magic? Let me tell you that last week my color was turquoise, still is really, love it in my house, but my new color is tangerine. Don't worry though Julie your shower is not tangerine colored. It is all over the place sister! I kid, sort of.

Since Ashley will be the next to get married, she better watch out cause I have an arsenal of ideas just waiting for her to announce that he put a ring on it. And if she leaves my ideas blowing in the wind then Mike will have to suffer and we will have to renew our vows  at our 10 year anniversary so I can wear another pretty dress and do a completely opposite version of our first wedding. Complete with child in tow and just a handful of people there to share in the candlelight and mountainesque views. I've already given away too much, should I book the venue now?