Friday, February 18, 2011

Ch ch ch changes

Mr friend who shall remain nameless but is my best guy friend  and has three letters in his name starts with an L ends in an E, asked me to write about how life changes and evolves and creates the person you are to become. He recently went through a major life change and decided to call off a wedding. Now from the outside some of you who know this person might think "well duh that sounds just like him"  but alternately this was a wise choice that took a lot of deep thought on his part. Perhaps at the time it didn't seem that way on the outside but it really changed him as a person. He was asking introspective questions like how do you stay faithful to someone for you whole life? He was scared because there is the notion out there that marriage is hard and takes a lot of work and he didn't think it should be and did not want to go into a union with not doubts per say but questions about what a marriage should be. He, as a lot of our generation has, has divorced parents. Which makes it hard to see marriage as a real lifelong partnership. I mean when you grow up seeing fighting and tears and spending summers with one parent and school days with another, its difficult to understand how to make a marriage last. Is This the fight that is going to end the relationship or am I acting as someone that she/he wants me to be so that we stay together? These are all valid concerns that shape us and who we will become. Anyhow this realization that he wasn't being true to himself and ultimately her lead him to the decision to call of the wedding before there was time for more hurt to occur. I applaud him. He is making life changes, better decisions and concerned about the future instead of just pushing all thise issues to a dark place.

Now on the flip side, Yes marriage is hard. I have spoke to this before- That if you want the fancy dress and the big party then just have one, I'll come and dance the night away with you but if you want a marriage, make sure you are in for the long haul. I think I am about to quote Will Smith, don't hold it against me, but he says that Divorce is not an option, and I believe that if you go into marriage with that idea, that the petty light quarrels that are bound to come up are not going to end the relationship, you will feel safe and secure in you marriage and be able to be yourself and even if you don't have the same views on big ticket items like politics, religion or even  smaller things like music its not going to be the end all because you are grown up enough to see that you still love that person for who they are inside, not their ever changing opinions on the world. We all change as we get older and have more life experiences,  I met Mike at 16 and believe me, we have both grown and changed as people but its the soul that doesn't change. We are both smarter, wiser, parents, gone through deaths of close friends and family and seen other marriages dissolve but that doesn't break us, it molds us and makes us want to work harder and understand each other to continue on as good role models for our son and even perhaps other relationships. His soul is what keeps me having those warm fuzzies. When I hear him talking to Matthew as he tucks him in at night or when he discusses our financial future and I feel safe not that fact that he is now a hard core conservative with no problem  voicing his opinion to anyone that's within earshot and hacks a minimum of three times while brushing his teeth. :)

I have changed so much in my thought of an ideal lifestyle. When I was a teenager I was certain that I was Manhattan bound. Took a trip to look at apartments, loved everything NYC inspired, right down to the urban minimal decor design and was going to be the next real life Carrie Bradshaw for lack of a better example. That was 15 years ago. I have now moved from a fairly normal city feel in Clearwater, to the lowest point Titusville where time has stood still since the Apollo era, to a new mixture of city and country here in South Carolina and I have twinge of desire to go further into the rural. I'm not talking outhouse and candle light, I'm talking larger piece of property with animals, livestock, not house pets. Chickens, cows perhaps a goat?  With a fence that only keeps large animals in, and wildflowers and cowpies so my mom can relive her youth and squish her feet in them. I want to spend my time with Matthew and build a strong belief system within our home. I want to wear aprons and know what tarragon would taste good in. My style has changed from sleek modern decor to traditional and antiques out of nowhere.  I no longer long for partying at the Tunnel and keeping up with the Kardashians and taking shots like there is no tomorrow. (although if money were not an issue I would own a loft space because they are just so unique and would be a blast to decorate) It has been 6 months without cable and I have survived!

So what I am saying is change is good. You have to go with the flow. Let go of grudges and open up to the reason behind the change. Who knows what is in store for us but if you smile and accept it only good things can happen.
Just to show how much can change in 6 years.  My sweet niece, flower girl, Carly passed last year and our groomsman, Mikes best friend and all around sweet guy Matt passed nearly 5 years ago. We were lucky to have them both there to celebrate our new life together and miss them both every day.


  1. Loved your post. Your insight is great. I also agree with "I have twinge of desire to go further into the rural. I'm not talking outhouse and candle light, I'm talking larger piece of property with animals, livestock, not house pets. Chickens, cows perhaps a goat?". I've always loved animals and can actually see myself having that here. Where I'm from, Miami, land is expensive and very limited. Plus, you've got tons and tons of permits to deal with. But, I doubt I'll have that chance in either location. :/

  2. I love this. I totally remember your NY aspirations of course :) I just think it's so wonderful to want a big piece of land with animals. I want the same thing! I wish I had the guts (and the money)to move further North. Hopefully it will happen some day. :)