Blessings

I went through another round of hormones and IUI this month. I switched meds from Femera to Clomid which I had tried before. Femera made me evil, caused horrible acne and made me feel like at any moment my pants button was going to fling off like in those Subway commercials and poke someone’s eye out. Clomid merely gave me some night sweats which are completely bearable, for me and for Mike.

Anywhoo I went to my regular monthly check ups and scans and they were all extremely positive. The nurse was glowing with how thick my lining was and how many follicles I had, she even mention to me that multiples were something that I should be aware of which made me even more excited since I would love nothing more than to have twins.  So I was elated with all this positive news and was sure that I was going to indeed become pregnant this go around.  I had to wait one week to get my progesterone levels checked to deduce if ovulation indeed took place and my levels were high, all great news. All there was to do now was wait one more week to pee on a stick and pass that final test.

I’m not sure what it was but Monday before the test I just knew I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t feel pregnant. (To which my male friend said to me, well it’s not like you have much experience in feeling pregnant. I told him, I had zero experience feeling pregnant with Matthew but I knew I was before I took the test. Any mother can attest to the feeling you have I am sure). The feeling just wasn’t there. Fake feelings are there, they have been for months, since being on hormones adds to your sensitivity and heightens your normal monthly routine. I finally have become used to this, the first few months on the hormones I was POSITIVE I was pregnant because of how sore I was but alas it’s just the drugs playing tricks on your mind and increasing the let down you feel when you see only one line come up on the stick or two words instead of one.

I cannot explain the devastation. I cannot even understand it myself. This desire to have a second child has overcome me. I want Matthew to have a big family. I want him to have a sibling to talk to about how dumb mom and dad are being or how some girl broke his heart when he is too cool to talk to me. Last night, prior to taking the test, when I already knew it was going to be negative, I was sitting in a chair by myself just starring off into space blankly when Matthew came up to me sat on my lap and said, “what’s wrong mommy?” I told him I wanted to give him a brother or sister and didn’t think I could, he said “don’t be sad, be happy mommy.” Made me cry harder. He then went and told Daddy on me. Told Daddy that Mommy was happy, not sad.  Lie.

I just want to say to those who tell me to give it a rest, it will happen when you’re not expecting it, when you stop trying and to enjoy what you have now… I do. I love my Matthew more than any words could ever express. He is truly a blessing in our lives and I am not discounting that. I am thankful every day for him and all the joy he brings us. I don’t want to seem like I am complaining because I only have one child. I know there are so many people out there who cannot have any children and that there are exponentially bigger problems in the world, down the street and even in my family than not being pregnant but it doesn’t make the disappointment any less crushing.

So in appreciation of my son, I am going to post a photo a day during the month of July.