Waiting for another

I am in full hormonal turmoil, rage which quickly turns to tears and then laughing in mere minutes. This has been a tough two plus years on me mentally and physically and as Mike put it so eloquently the other night, he is suffering  right there with me. (Hardly I scoffed as I glared at him and he realized he had just made a mistake by actually speaking those words aloud.) These are some of the roller-coaster emotions I have had since trying to conceive a second child. Matthew came so easily for us I had never imagined I would be nearing the 2 year mark of actually 'trying' and still no baby. I am in yet another round of fertility hormones to try and help the process along but all it seems to do is make me bloated, angry and in the end more depressed when the  negative test appears. Which leads to more tears and Mike finding something in the garage to work on cause after thirteen years together he still has no clue what to do when I cry. Since I am loaded on the hormones I have the feeling every month that YES I am pregnant, I get the symptoms, the soreness, the dizziness, the crankiness, the tiredness the, well you know. So every month I get my hopes up again and for months I have been let down. After we moved to South Carolina and I wasn't working for a few weeks I was feeling horrible, tired all the time- lethargic really, brain fog, I was extremely hot or cold at the wrong times, just knew something wasn't right. So after pushing and prodding from my mother who insists that the entire pregnancy issue is stemming from an off kilter thyroid I went to the doctor. You know what she told me, that I was allergic to something, but she couldn't tell me what. And that it sounds like I should go on the pill to regulate my hormones. UM HELLO- I am trying to get pregnant! What a waste of time and money and again, time! I hate more than anything wasting my time.( A side rant, it infuriates me when people are late. I mean occasionally yes everyone runs late but a constant battle of being late is just plain rude and shows zero respect for the other party.) So back to the drawing board, yes both Mike and I have been poked and prodded and we are both healthy and all our parts work which is somewhat more upsetting that they can't explain Why we aren't conceiving. I would like to just know if we aren't going to have any more naturally, via- as my friend Kelly puts it- a mini human renting out my uterus. Cause if that is the case bring on the tummy tuck and let the Real spoiling of Matthew commence.

And it doesn't fail that everyone around me is pregnant. It goes in spurts but there are a handful of preggos surrounding at all times. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am helping to plan a baby shower for one of my closest friends. It makes me extremely happy to do so but there is also a tinge of not jealousy per say but almost pain that I might not ever have those moments of pregnancy again that she is currently experiencing. I am over the moon for her and other friends that are pregnant but as one wise person said its hard to be happy. Its hard to watch others have what you desire so badly. I am not sure where or fertility journey will lead us. I want a big family, Mike and I talked about 4 kids. Matthew has been such a blessing and an angel of a child and I can't imagine that he will be the only one I get to watch grow. He is getting so big so fast and I feel like I am missing special moments because I am caught up in the emotions of struggling for the second. A big catch 22. Everyone tells me to just let go and don't try so hard but for you women out there who have had your own struggles with pregnancy understand that it is just no so simple.

The notion of adoption has been brought up and I suppose that could be an option. At this moment I don't know if I am a strong enough person to go through that journey. I don't know how to make that transition and to blend a family like that yet. I have seen the struggles of adoption and the search for birth parents riddle my father for years with pain and anguish. I don't know if I want to put a child through that, how do you answer those questions, what if the birth parent decides to back out, I am not good with rejection.

So there it is, all out in the public now. Maybe airing it out will bring me some better ju ju. Clear the mind for better things.