Just Breathe

Today was one of those gut wrenching days. I had every emotion and then some, I cried a few times and smiled and then finally at 2:00 I breathed. A deep breath, for the first time in a month, since the ENT told me that Matthew had to have his tonsils removed.

I know this is a routine surgery and tons of people of have it done but if you don’t know, in August of last year we lost our precious Carly to the same, routine, surgery. So you can imagine the turmoil inside when the Dr told me what needed to occur. I knew it was coming, even to the untrained, uneducated eye you could see that the poor kids tonsils were taking up too much space in his mouth and he struggled to breath at night and was the recipient of many a runny nose and constant flow of saliva, as my brother can attest. (FiretrucksSSSs)

So, this morning we arrived bright and early to the hospital, Woody doll in tow, and when they called our named to go back to pre op my stomach dropped a little further. When they showed us the gown for him to put on, my heart stopped a little bit and when the anesthesiologist arrived I wasn’t hearing anything anymore. I saw his mouth moving but was only focused at staring at my little boy, who was shirtless because he refused the “baby shirt” cause he is a big boy. I cried. Then when the Dr came in, I could feel the tears well up again and there I went crying again, and as they wheeled him away, and he was being a brave big boy taking a ride on the bed, I cried some more as I waved and told him I would see him soon. I prayed more than I ever have in my entire life and enlisted an entire crew to pray with me. Surgery was a success and in fifteen minutes I was again holding my precious baby, who was angry and confused as to what just happened to him I just held and rocked him thanking the Dr, who told me not to thank him yet that I still had a full 10 days of recovery ahead of me… all I could think was I don’t care how long recovery is, as long as he is here, with me. I thanked God, I told Matthew I loved him, thanked God some more and then took a breath. The first full breath in a month, I felt like I had been knocked out, and could finally get some rest.

TO my Matthew, light of my life, joy of my day, smile when I think of you , cry when I miss you, tear when you ache and cheer when you're excited. I wish for you that this is the last surgery you have. You are a strong boy with a hard head. I hope you grow up to be more than I could imagine. I hope you are as handsome as you are currently cute but that you aren’t conceited and that you are kind to all. I hope you have a musical talent and an athletic prowess. I hope you find the love of your life later in life so that you can be the man you are meant to be without feeling torn. I hope you aspire to help others, in whatever fashion and that you still come home from time to time to watch movies and make cookies with your mom and that you take an interest in the classic cars with your dad. I hope that you feel all the love that is showered on you daily, not just by me but by your entire family and extended family. I want you to stay little forever in my arms but just as much I can’t wait to see who you turn out to be because I know he is going to be amazing.